Not Missing You
by WickedSong
Summary: "I've been keeping a notebook just in case this day ever came." The story of Santana's insults to Sam when he returns in Hold On To Sixteen. Contains, Samtana and Sancedes friendship with Brittana and implied Samcedes.


**Not Missing You,**

**Written by WickedSong.**

**Disclaimer : I do not own Glee, FOX do. Direct dialogue is taken from the episode, "Hold On To Sixteen" as well.**

* * *

The first time she writes in the notebook is the day after Sam reveals his family are leaving. She's not one to be emotional, to get upset at anything, not unless she's drunk. But when sober, she keeps it hidden inside, a very well-kept secret that only she knows about. In fact, the only emotion she can express accurately when she's speaking to Brittany the next day is anger.

"What right does he have! Just tell me! He's a stupid, idiotic, Trouty Mouthed bastard!"

"San..." Brittany's placid tone is trying to appease Santana's fiery rant but it's no use. The blonde girl sits on the bed across from her best friend and takes her hand, rubbing circles on it in another attempt to calm her down. This one works better. This is when Santana looks up and sees the tears in the girl's eyes. Of course Brittany is upset. The glee club, to her is a family, messed up and dysfunctional but a family nonetheless. Hadn't she been the one who had been so joyful about having another year with all the people she loved? It's so weird seeing Brittany vulnerable, on the verge of tears, that it hits Santana square in the gut, stopping her rant. She's only ever witnessed it a couple of times before.

"Britt, don't cry, please." She frowns and lifts her hand to tuck a strand of Brittany's hair behind her ear, a small action, but one which makes the girl in front of her give a watery eyed grin. "Everyone leaves eventually, you know?"

Brittany shakes her head, and Santana begins to question her word choice. Choking back a sob, Brittany nods. "Can you do me a favour at least, San?" Santana looks up, surprised by this and Brittany reaches for her bag, digging around in it for a couple of moments until she produces a red notebook, a pen already clipped to the front page. "Whenever you get angry about it, could you write in this? Not for me really," she looks down uncertain, "but for everyone else, especially Mercedes."

Santana nods. She, along with a few other glee clubbers had been surprised by the secret romance between Sam and Mercedes but they had all supported it. To think that that would have to end when Sam left. When they had left early the night before, everyone else had made a pact to dance around the subject of Sam once he left. While it's probably not the nicest thing to do to the boy they had to think of ways to heal Mercedes' heart when he no longer could be there.

Santana looks at the girl in front of her and knows she wouldn't have a clue how to deal with it either.

"I promise, Britt."

She took the book from her hands and wrapped an arm around her.

"Sweet Valley High and some lady kisses?" suggested Brittany and Santana could only nod knowing that her fr-her girlfriend, her Brittany, the girl she loved - sometimes you just have to do what you want, admit your feelings, consequences be damned - was trying to make her feel better.

* * *

Later that night, once Brittany had went home, Santana looks over to the book she had left for her. She did tell Brittany she was going to write in it whenever she got mad but the situation hasn't risen again yet and she's acutely aware of the fact that she doesn't want it to anyway. What kind of relationship did she even have with Trouty Mouth anyway? He was her make out buddy, her way of trying to both usurp Quinn Fabray and avoid her feelings. Once or twice they maybe had a conversation about their feelings but she would shut that down quickly enough.

She never allowed him to see her human side, except maybe that one time where he had to bring his brother or sister, the cute twerps, on a trip to The Lima Bean. _Hmm, maybe she'll kinda miss them._

She throws a pillow across the room but remembers her promise so picks up the red notebook, small enough that she could fit it in her pocket if the day ever happened that she'd need it. She snorts to herself at the notion of Sam returning. But that doesn't stop her.

_"Welcome back, Lisa Rinna._.."

* * *

She doesn't know what writing down all these insults is meant to do for her but she sees it as her way of getting by - coping with it. She doesn't know exactly what she's meant to be coping with either. It's at some point between _"I've missed you so much since your family packed up their bags, loaded them in your mouth and skipped town",_ and _"Can't tell you how many times I've wanted to enjoy a crisp pickle but couldn't find anyone to suck the lid off the jar",_that she admits to herself that in her own way she does miss him.

She only writes in that darn notebook when someone brings him up in the passing and she chokes back the insult on her tongue, like bile rising to her throat, in order to avoid Brittany's sad eyes. Brittany knows her too well for her own good. She knows that insulting is just her way of dealing with it and she doesn't need to be asked if she's okay again.

Besides she only remembers that a blonde haired dork used to sit in their midst quite early into the school year actually when the question of Mercedes' relationship with Shane comes up. Santana doesn't get involved, sure she has her insults but she also enjoys Rachel's interrogation blowing up in her face when Mercedes tells her to leave it alone and the other girl sits back in her seat dejected and awkwardly looking down.

But she doesn't miss that far-away look in Mercedes' eyes either and she can't seem to laugh at Berry getting her ass handed to her, at the mere mention of Sam's very existence.

She grabs Brittany's hand even tighter when that happens, wondering what it would have been like if she was the one who wasn't sitting at their table right now.

_"I assume you were working as a baby polisher, where young mothers could place their infants head in your mouth to get back that newborn shine."_

* * *

She wants to make the words sting, to crawl off the page with malice and venom and sometimes she does laugh, while she wipes her eyes haphazardly. She's not even been drinking so she doesn't get why she becomes even a tiny bit emotional. Well, she knows why, when she's writing tonight and it's a mixture of things really, her public outing, thinking of how she's going to deal with Frankenteen tomorrow at the mash up competition and knowing that sooner rather than later her secret is going to be out there in the most public way possible.

It didn't help that rehearsal had went less than perfect today. Everything had been going well during the mash up, their dancing was impeccable, their timing was in synch, their outfits were flaw free yet Mercedes, their proud and confident leader, seemed to have lost a small spark. She had been fine earlier on in the week so Santana just put it down to her coming down with something, the flu maybe.

And then today during rehearsal, just as the song ended, she sort of crumbled. Not easily noticeable, just a small quaver in her voice, not as over dramatic as anything Rachel would do, but a crack in her armour. That had only been there first run through but she had asked to be excused momentarily. Santana found her in Miss. Corcoran's music room, playing the notes on the piano, while looking at sheet music, humming the original _Someone Like You_ to herself.

Being kinda smart when it came to these things Santana didn't have to ask twice who she was thinking of.

But she didn't bring it up.

She just sat beside her on the bench, placed a comforting arm on her shoulder and played a weird tune on the instrument in front of her - she's always wanted to take piano lessons - which causes the girl beside her to smile a little - just a little - but it's enough to renew her determination and get her back to her rehearsal and while still a bit shaky, goes somewhat better.

She shakes her head, as she puts the pen to paper, cursing that Trouty Mouth if he thinks he can get away with ruining their chances against the New Directions tomorrow.

_"So glad you're back. I haven't seen a smile that big since the Abominable Snowman got his teeth pulled out by that little gay dentist."_

* * *

Her notebook is safely in hand as she walks to the Troubletones rehearsal, bright and beaming as the sun shines down on her. She's waited for this day and it's finally arrived. She didn't think it ever would but now that it has who is she to let it slip away. She can finally give Guppy Lips the punishment he deserves for leaving. Finally he gets to hear her scathing rant.

"Did you hear!"

An excitable Brittany is a tenfold better than a sad one and she's happy to see that smile on her girlfriend's face. She nods and holds the notebook up.

"I kept my promise..." It's like she's searching for permission and Brittany, although it is reluctantly, nods. She knows that with Santana it's about baby steps, it's not her fault her entire life was comprised of insults being thrown around the place.

"What are you guys talking about?" asks a chipper Mercedes as she walks in. Santana and Brittany share a secret smile and the latina nods at her to tell Mercedes the good news, knowing that if Brittany breaks it to her it won't be nearly as much of a bombshell.

Excitedly Brittany launches into the story of Rory telling her how Finn had been away for the weekend - to Kentucky - to convince a former New Direction member to return. For a moment the realisation doesn't cross Mercedes face but it's a moment before she's sitting in a seat, head in her hands, gazing into space, silently contemplating what his return means.

"Well aren't you coming? We have a Trouty Mouth to welcome back."

"_Santana_!" Brittany snaps and Santana nods, a little guility at how jubilant she sounded. It's just now she doesn't have to hold back all she wanted to say to him, she can freely let him know how much she did not miss him, even if the small book in her hand says more than a thousand, 'You weren't missed" could.

"Sorry, sorry, are you okay Mercedes?" Santana asks, taking a step towards the girl.

Mercedes only nods, stands up and walks over to the piano. "Why shouldn't I be?"

Santana sighs, knowing she'll get there in time. Giving Brittany a quick kiss on the cheek she asks for a couple of minutes to be excused and walks the McKinley corridors.

"I just heard the news that Trouty Mouth is back in town."

* * *

**I've always had this headcanon that Santana was actually upset Sam left and her way of accepting it was writing her insults down. I don't really know how much I like it but it contains a lot of things I like a lot; Sancedes friendship, Samtana friendship, Brittana, Samcedes, Santana shipping Samcedes...**

**And it's always nice to stray a little from what I usually do and try something a little more out of the box. I doubt this will get a lot of reviews and it's a little bit of strange oneshot, I think but I enjoyed writing it so...**

**Please read and review if you enjoyed it too :)**

**WickedSong x**


End file.
